


It Would Break Me to Lose You

by thalia_muse_of_comedy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Time Loop AU, it's more like a brotp in this fic, poor Jean has looped a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-30
Updated: 2013-12-30
Packaged: 2018-01-06 18:07:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1109948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thalia_muse_of_comedy/pseuds/thalia_muse_of_comedy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean has been through 12 loops, and he is hoping 13 will be the lucky one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Would Break Me to Lose You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lownly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lownly/gifts).



> Ummm, I would like to dedicate this fic to Lownly and to Marcosfrickles (follow that blog). It's just your generic time loop AU that perhaps was not executed as well as it could have been. Lownly, you chose the ending (sorta).

After trying time and time again, each time sent back to the day of enlistment, Jean had had enough. He felt deader inside than the first time he had ever found Marco’s remains. He knew that this time was going to no different from all the loops before. Marco’s upcoming death was looming before him, merely hours away. He had tried so many different tactics: goad Marco to train harder, asked Marco to never leave his side, he had even tried not talking to Marco on the first day (to no avail). Jean was simply too much of a fixed point in Marco’s fate.

            Jean stood outside the barracks wondering what he could try to do differently in the hours he had left with Marco. On the veranda, Jean wore away at the skin on his knuckles by digging them back and forth in to the railing’s wood. He tried so hard to fight back the tears. _Useless, it’s useless. I can’t change fate. I can’t fight this anymore. Why can’t I have Marco beside me forever? Life is just too cruel…_ Jean’s thoughts went in circles endlessly. He stood there looking towards the distant stars for another hour, long after the rest of the recently graduated soldiers had gone to bed.

            He heard the creak of the doorway before he saw the young man who was plaguing his thoughts. As Marco took his place standing beside him, Jean looked at his best friend from the corner of his eye. The movement almost proved too much for Jean as he was still trying to keep the tears from slipping from his eyes.  “ The stars look really great tonight, don’t they?” Marco smiled softly with a small sigh. Jean could only make a small noise of agreement accompanied by a short nod. They stood in silence for several moments before the pain in Jean’s heart and head was too much to bear alone. He swallowed the scream that had made a permanent home in his throat before whispering frantically, “ Please don’t freak out…” Jean reached his hand towards Marco’s and interlaced their fingers. Marco stood rigid, and Jean wanted to apologize so badly for making Marco uncomfortable. However, he was not sorry. In his heart, he thought he deserved this small physical comfort after all he had done, for every single loop. _After the 12 times I have seen him die, I deserve to be comforted. Let’s hope for lucky number 13._

            Marco cleared his throat; his hand was sweating in Jean’s grasp. Jean looked up slightly, tears still threatening to cascade down his cheeks. Marco open and closed his mouth several times, unable to speak. “Just spit it out already” Jean goaded, perhaps too harshly.

“I don’t understand… why are you crying?” Marco gave Jean’s hand a small squeeze.

“I’m not crying…” Jean tried even harder to swallow the tears.

“You may not be crying, but I can feel it, Jean,” the freckled one squeezed his hand even tighter, “ I can feel you screaming every time you look at me recently. You’re in such despair, and you won’t even tell me what’s wrong.”

            The levee broke, and the tears were streaming down Jean’s face in thick warm beads. Their presence was a comfort in that turbulent moment. In one frantic motion, Marco pulled Jean into his arms. He tried so hard to not sob into Marco’s chest, but the temptation to completely come apart was great.

“Can you please just tell me?” Marco’s voice was laced with such great pain that Jean could no longer keep his sobs inside him. With every jumpy shake of his body, Marco gripped him tighter and tighter.

            When Jean showed no signs of stopping the deluge of salt water and snot, Marco let go. “Come with me.” He commanded. His voice sounded lower than Jean had ever heard it. Hands still connected, Marco led his best friend to the adjacent wooded area. After walking far enough the light from the camp barely reached them, Marco leaned up against one of the trees, allowing himself to slide until his bottom hit the earth. Jean stood awkwardly as he managed to hiccough, cry, and sob simultaneously. Marco gestured to the grass directly in front of him, “ Come here.” Jean’s cheeks lit on fire, but he was too emotion raw to care about appearances in the dark night. He settled himself into Marco’s waiting arms, leaning his head right below the other’s. Marco’s touch felt warm as his fingertips traced small circles into Jean’s shoulder.

“You’ve been so stronger for so long… you don’t have to think you’re alone. I’m here. I’ll always be here. Just tell me what’s wrong, please Jean?” Marco pleaded. Still trembling from his breakdown, Jean shook his head.

“I wouldn’t even know where to begin. It’s not like it would change anything, telling you never does. I’ve tried-“ Jean’s voice hitched and the sobs began anew. In his seventh loop, he had told Marco about the coming battle in Trost. He had even told him to never leave his side. In the end, the last time he saw Marco was when he led the titan away because Jean’s gear had malfunctioned, despite the fact he had already prepared for that eventuality by choosing a different set of gear. In his eighth loop, he attempted to convince Marco to run away with him after he explained what would occur the very next day. Of course, Marco had refused to run away; his confidence in Jean’s ability to protect, although appreciated, had been ill placed. Three days later, Marco was still up against the wall, dead. In his ninth loop, he said to hell with it, and tried to convince Marco to go to the landfills on their first day. Jean considered that loop to be the worst. His friendship with Marco had been strained and forced because of his goof up early on.  The tenth loop proved promising in the beginning when he decided to wreck Marco’s maneuver gear on the first day of 3mg training. He was so desperate that he did not think Shadis would figure out the problem like what happened with Eren. To his dismay, the observant leader did discover the faulty gear.

            Jean was borderline insane by the time loops eleven and twelve came about. He thought perhaps tying up and locking Marco in a closet would be worth the possible jail time. He tried twice, two different closets, but someone always found Marco in time for him to join the fray.

            Loop thirteen was proving to be a real challenge to Jean. Through the training period of this loop, Jean had lost all hope of saving Marco. He did not even try to alter the choices that had occurred in the first loop. Instead, he did his best to be by Marco’s side as much as possible, building a friendship deeper than that of the first loop.

            However, the realization that the last hour of Marco’s life was less that 18 hours away hit Jean with harder than all the pain of the previous twelve loops combined. He allowed Marco to hold him close; because he knew in his heart the loops could not last forever. There had to be an end, even if he could never save Marco. Jean was so tired, so drained, so done.

            He had almost made up his mind to let this loop run its course when Marco asked gently, “ I don’t know what you mean, but I’m sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t tell me something.” He paused; his fingers stilled on Jean’s back. “Are you willing to try again? I promise I’ll listen. I’m sorry Jean.” Marco grabbed his best friend’s shoulders and pushed him into a more upright position. “Please tell me. From the beginning.”

            Unable to refuse Marco’s request, Jean tried one last time to save his doomed friend. He did as he was asked, from the beginning. Jean’s story was free from tears or excited inflections. He told his reoccurring tale as if it was some distant science experiment he had conducted instead of his very real past. As he watched Marco’s face, he found himself gripping Marco’s shirt tighter every time he looked at Jean in disbelief. When he came to the story of the current loop, Jean stopped talking.

“What have you tried this time around?” Marco inquired trying to nudge Jean into explaining further. However, Jean smiled an empty smile saying, “ Nothing. I’ve just let it run its course. I thought that maybe if I didn’t try to change anything, the loops would end. I don’t want to loose you ever, but I’ve lost you twelve times, and I think number thirteen should be the last. Just one more time, and I can live my sad, sorry life as a failure. I’m so selfish Marco. I want to save you, but I’m out of ideas and willpower.”

            Jean’s tears began anew. He let go of Marco’s shirt and pulled his friend into his arms. After a tense moment, Marco snaked his arms around Jean in return. He whispered into the fabric of Jean’s cardigan, “ Maybe this time. Maybe we’ll get through it this time. Maybe the little things you never thought to change were changed this time. Maybe those small things led to bigger things, and it will all be okay.” Marco fell silent after his hopeful statement. The pair sat in the cold night air in each other’s arms.

            After a long silence, Marco wondered aloud, “If things go how they did in the first loop, when is the last time you see me?” After Jean processed what the young man in his arms had asked, he began to tremble. Marco attempted to comfort him by restarting the circular pattern that had calmed him earlier. He heard Jean take a shaky breath, “ Remember how I told you my gear malfunctions? You lure the titan away as I try to get maneuver gear off of the body of one of the fallen. You round the corner, and I don’t see you again until…” He trailed off. Marco sighed. “Until, what Jean?” He asked knowing full well it is Jean who finds his body time and again. Jean had refused to tell Marco how his body was found, but he had hoped he would tell him now that his story was complete.

“Three days later, I find you slumped against a building. Half of your face and upper body is missing. The first time, I couldn’t believe it was you, the strong, level headed Marco Bodt. I never want to find your body like that again.”

“I have an idea…” Marco offered, sounding unsure.

“Try me, I’m open to anything, however ridiculous.” Jean’s voice a dead echo of what it once was.

“How about this time in Trost, we stay as far away from each other as we can? We have to try to change at least. We don’t try to contact each other until after clean up is finished. You know what street you find me; you find me there every loop. I know you do. Don’t walk down that street. Stay away from me. If I live, we’ll see each other at the choosing ceremony. If I die, at least it won’t be you who finds me. Please Jean, I don’t want you to find me this time.” Marco pleaded.

            Jean did not know how to respond. Had he not tried something similar before? Yet, when he tried this approach in loop 4, Marco had not been in the know. He had fought to stay beside Jean even harder. For the first time in 5 loops, Jean allowed himself to hope.

“Ok. Ok, we’ll try. We’ll try…” He repeated his last promise to Marco incessantly, even after they had walked back to the barracks and settled into Jean’s bed.

“We’ll succeed. Trust me Jean.”

* * *

 

            The Colossal Titan kicked down that precious gate of Trost. The military scrambled just as it had in all the previous loops. Jean ran around with the rest of his squad, many of who would be dead before the sun had set. As he was filling tank after tank of gas, Sasha ran up to him, completely out of breath.

“Marco’s squad just left, but he told me to give this to you.” She huffed out. Lines of worry set themselves in her young face.  Sasha offered the folded piece of paper to Jean. He grabbed it out her hand more rudely than he had intended, but offending Sasha was the last thing on his mind. Sasha ran off as she heard her squad leaving, and Jean was left alone to read the note from Marco.

            _Jean,_

_You said that before, you have tried to convince me to run away with you. I have decided to compromise slightly on our earlier arrangement. I’ll do what you always wanted me to do. I’ll run away, but not with you. The military needs you. They need you for this battle. You told me about all the people you have saved. I cannot ask you to leave them to fend for themselves just to protect me. I know abandoning my post is a capital offense, but I’m going to try. I’m going to try you and to save you from this hell you have landed yourself in. I’ll become a merchant or an apprentice or something. I’ll work hard to get to Wall Sina. I’ll see you there. You’ll be in the Military Police. I’ll work hard. It might take me a few years, but believe in me like I believe in you._

_Warmest wishes for the future,_

_Marco._

Jean turned into stone. His head was reeling; he had no idea what to do, what to think. Marco deviated from the plan. How was he going to escape this whirlpool of fate? Tears were forming in eyes again. Jean shook his head trying to rid himself of their presence. Someone was shaking his arm; he had to go. He had to fight. He had to make it through this. He had to live to see Marco.

 

* * *

 

A few hours later, he found himself with faulty gear. The titan was fast approaching, and this time he knew Marco would not be there to save him. He tried his best to run fast enough, buy himself those few precious seconds. Maybe he would survive without Marco being there to save him. He was crouched over the corpse of the person he had stolen the gear from time after time. He didn’t even know the guy’s name after 13 loops.

The titan was approaching faster than Jean remembered. He knew he was done. He waited for the end. _Sorry Marco, looks like I’m not so good at keeping promises either._ He braced for the hand and teeth he knew he was now destined to feel.

            However, the clash never came. He looked up in time to see the titan round the corner, the opposite way he had seen it run in the other loops. A familiar pain burned in his chest. _No, Marco already escaped. The titan went the other direction. It couldn’t have been Marco. The titan turned to the other direction…_

* * *

 

            As the clean up came towards the end, Jean found himself faced with the decision to go down the street he had found Marco. He didn’t need to worry. Marco had left already, beginning his new life. He was safe. He walked down, assisting with picking up body after body to be burned later that evening. He came upon the spot, empty of a body. Amidst the decay, Jean could not help but smile. His best friend was safe, safe from all harm.

            The sun was setting, and the last of the bodies were being placed as gently as time allowed them to be. Jean wondered if he would ever get the stench of the dead off of him. No matter, it would serve as a reminder for what he went through here and how lucky he was to be safe deep within the walls.

            The sun went down, and the pyres were lit. Jean stood there, tearless, but solemn. The smoke rose higher and higher. To his left, Jean could see Connie and Sasha shoulder to shoulder with tears streaming down their faces. Alone without Marco, Jean went to join them. As he stood next to Connie, Sasha nudged her best friend. Connie looked up at Jean and the color left his face. Their pair’s tears increased and sobs burst forth from their throats. Jean watched as Connie grabbed Sasha’s hand to steady him; regaining some semblance of composure was Connie’s goal.

“I…” Connie could not form the words. “I.. found,” he took a shaky breath. Sasha interlaced her fingers with Connie’s. “I found Marco’s body.”

 “You’ve got it wrong, just between the three of us, Marco deserted. He’s gonna meet me in the interior. I mean, I bet the body was really damaged if you thought it was Marco’s.” Jean would not allow himself to believe that Marco had broken his promise twice.

When Sasha saw Connie was unable to spit out the whole tale, she took up his torch, “Connie found Marco’s body, and we were loading him onto the cart when we saw he had a paper in his hand. I… grabbed it. His fingers were holding on so tight, they cracked when I tried to move them…” Sasha brought the blood piece of paper to Jean’s attention.

Shaking harder than he ever had before, he took the paper from Sasha to read it. After he reads it, he nods. Yes, the note confirmed Marco was gone from this world.

 

* * *

 

            He woke up the next morning, hoping to find himself back to the beginning. Fourteen was not going to be so bad. He would get to see Marco again. He sat up and hit his head on the bunk above him. _But I don’t have a bunk bed…_ He stood up to see the remnants of the 104 th Training squad asleep in the bunks around him. The loop was broken. Not believing the new dawn creeping into the room, Jean shot his hand into his pocket. The note was still there, waiting to be read one more time to confirm the death of Marco Bodt.

            Two slopping words were torn into the blood soaked paper:

                                                            _I lied._


End file.
